Your Questions
We are leaving the questions that have been answered in the archive,
but no new questions will be answered here.
| Hello. This may be a wierd question (and NO, I have no interest in watching the embalming process or looking at pictures), but need to ask you a question related to my master's thesis (Humor as an healthy aid in the grieving process). I ask this question not to be heartless, and I know that you and your colleagues are caring, benevolent people who take their job very seriously; I applaud and commend you for your professionalism. However, as I have interviewed doctors, nurses, paramedics and even people form the local M.E. office, there must be some way that funeral service personnel deal (in a healthy manner) with the fact that they are constantly surrounded by death. Death is natural, but I would imagine that it could begin to gnaw on someone, particularly a neophyte. How do you deal with it, and what do you do for peace of mind when dealing with, for example, a small child's needless death? Please appreaciate the fact that, while this process is second nature to you, those of us not in the funeral industry may find it extremely difficult to fathom. (Side note: I know a funeral director, who also happens to be one of the funniest people I know. I asked him if his sense of humor is helpful, when dealing with certain aspects of his job. His answer? It helps... It helps a lot. Thank you very much for your time.
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| Hello. First off, I must commend you on a wonderful website giving us an insight into the funeral business, and the things that happen behind those closed doors. To an outsider, a funeral director seems like a cold, stone-like person. However, personal experience and exploration of your website has altered my opinion!
On to my question:
My mother passed on from cancer a couple weeks ago, and the local funeral director was wonderful. We had her buried in a local cemetary with her mother and father. We live in Pennsylvania, but my father is originally from Mississippi. He'll probably move back down south within a year or two. My mother's last wish was for her to be buried wherever my father is living. How difficult is it to relocate casketed, embalmed remains? I've read that a common carrier can transport newly embalmed remains, but what about after an exhumation?
Cost is not an issue to me - I'm more curious about any potential legal issues we might encounter. I don't know if we'll even follow through with this once the time comes, but the funeral director said he'd be more than glad to help out if we come to that decision. This is more for peace of mind.
Thanks so much for your help.
--- ARK
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| We recently had a horrible plane crash in our state in which all the people on board were killed instantly. The news media said the authorities were having a difficult time identifying the bodies, but it has finally been completed & the bodies returned to the state where the plane crash originated, for funerals. I have several questions about this: first of all, would the bodies have been torn apart & body parts strewn all over the crash field? And secondly, after each body has been collected & put in a body bag to be shipped---is the whole body bag just placed in a casket for the funeral, or is the body (and its parts) taken out & placed in the casket? I'm assuming no embalming is even attempted, especially if the body is in parts, since there was no viewing at any of the funerals. Also, would a family member have to identify their loved one's body for a positive identification? I'm sorry if this sounds gruesome to you, but, the story of this crash has dominated the news in our state this week, and I have been very upset about it. Thank you for your answers to my questions.
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| My 16 year old daughter was killed in a car accident prom 98. A drunk hit her car and she went into a flooded field. He left, making it hard for the rescuers to find her car. She was in the water nearly two hours. Her brother, sisters and father refused an autopsy. Now I wonder if she died on impact or drowned. Coroner stated cause of death; probable drowning. The funeral director told me that she did not have signs of drowning. He said water usually comes out of body orifaces, for quite some time. He said she had just a little water coming out of one ear. My son saw her when they finally found the car. She had a small stream of blood from her nose, her neck was also very swollen. What I want to know is, what are the signs of drowning? Was I just told that to think she may have been killed at impact? Also, I heard afterwards that I could have dressed her and done her hair. I know that may sound sick to some, but she was my child. I could have and wanted to do this for her. Legally does a parent have a right to participate in the dressing of their children? My husband was killed 20 months later, also by a drunk, he was run over and dragged. Because she left the scene, the state trooper wanted to send him to Memphis; he assured me just to wash him and look for things like bullet holes or knife wounds; things other than a hit and run. I understood that and agreed. When he was ready for viewing I was allowed to be alone with him. I was touching him and I felt plastic and guaze on him. I asked the director and he told me that was normal for persons who were autopsied. I said he was not suppose to have an autopsy, because my husband always said he would not want that done to him. The trooper apologized and said he was not sent for full autopsy but it was performed by mistake. How can people be assured that their wishes are carried out at a time like this? The trooper showed me where he filled out the paper; no autopsy. I would think that people who were working with remains would be more careful to follow writtin instructions. Are mistakes like these common? What can one do to be sure that autopsies are not performed?
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| Hello. I've written to you before and have appreciated the information you've given me, as well as the kind way you've responded to my questions. Anyway, now for my current question: one of my very best friends recently committed suicide (she shot herself in the head with a gun), and she was found in her home by her husband. He, of course, chose to have a closed casket at the funeral, but told me that he would have the funeral director allow me to view her body at the funeral home prior to the funeral if wanted to. I was somewhat hesitant, but decided it might help me deal with the reality of the tragedy if I did view her body. Upon doing so, however, I was quite taken aback when I saw her. She did not even look like the same person I had known for 25+ years....her face looked like a wax figure, and she appeared to be wearing a wig. Her husband said that the police told him she had a single bullet hole in her forehead, so I'm wondering why she looked so artificial and almost deformed. Is this a common physical occurance that results from a contact gunshot wound, or could it be a result of her being dead for 6-8 hours before she was found and refrigerated at the morgue? I almost wish now that I had even viewed her body. Thank you for your answer.
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| Another question, if you don't mind.
I and my family took notice of the fact that on the first occasion of viewing of my mother, her body was extremely cold and rigid. I raised this question to one of my sisters who had lost her husband a few years ago and she stated that the mortuary had frozen my mother's remains because she passed on Easter Sunday and the first viewing did not take place until the following Wednesday evening to allow out-of-town family to get to California. Another sibling stated that too much embalming fluid had been used while another said that the rigidness of her body was due to rigors (I used to be a nurse and if I am not mistaken, rigors usually subside relatively soon after death.) The condition of my mother's remains (rigid/hard) was disturbing...when my father passed, his body was supple and, although cool due to lack of circulation, was not icy cold. In fact, his arms and hands were warm to the touch which was actually comforting rather than distressing. The Director did an exceptional job in preparation of my mother's remains. She appeared very lifelike and only sleeping and much younger in a comforting, natural and pleasing way not in a forced or unnatural way. The exceptions to her preparation was the fact of her body being the extremely cold, rigid condition of her body and in dressing her they did cut the dress (even though it was actually too large for her as she had lost wait in her later years) and when they dressed her, the area near the jugular/carotid where the embalming fluid was introduced - though covered with a gauze pad - was visible.
The question, simply put - though perhaps difficult to answer - could the coldness and rigidity of my mother's body be in fact attributed to her remains being (simply put) frozen solid, rigors, over embalming or a combination of those factors?
Thank you again for your time.
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| Not too long ago my mother-in-law passed away to cancer and the family was there at the moment of her last breath while she was at home in her bed. Needless to say there were a lot of family members there and everyone took their turn entering the bedroom to pay their respects... except my father-in-law, her husband. Oh, he did get some time.. but he was never alone with her. Months later he confessed to my wife about resenting the fact a little that he was not left alone with his dead wife; I mean, all he wanted to do was a final kiss, caress, whatever, of his souldmate for 35 years. This struck me and in the weeks to follow I made a number of inquiries into exactly what was legal vs. illegal regarding close contact with the dead. And what I found was quite revealing. We marry someone for life but as soon as they die the body becomes part of a process of disassociation purely for the sake of state health laws, funeral association dictates, or local codes. In other words, the dead cease to be the 'property' of the family.. or of the spouse. My point to all this... in my wanderings I have discovered folks who would have liked far more intimate private time with their dead loved ones than a simple viewing alone in the parlor. Some have even suggested a consumation of a final act of sexual love. These people are not hardened necrophiles... just folks who would have wanted to express some final act of love and compassion that, to be quite honest, is far less 'invasive' and seemingly 'abusive' as embalming. My question to you is that which many have posed to me... can the spouse request an intimate encounter with their dead loved one either by simple request at time of making the funeral arrangments or by a provision in their will? Following the issue with her father my wife has acctually asked me if there were a way should she die if we could have an intimate 'moment' together before she's rushed to her grave. We were put on this planet in God's image to love and procreate... yet this act is taken away at death. Can arrangments be made, presumming the body is in a proper condition, to allow for this expression of bereavement? I thoroughly enjoy your site and your replies are very good and inciteful. |
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Copyright©1998 by Donald C. Dimond II